IS SHE IN THERE?

Do you ever feel like you aren’t at your best?

I’m not talking about that feeling you get when you wake up after a big night out, instead I refer to something more pervasive, frustrating, trying to explode inside your mind.

This is something I have dealt with from a young age.

I know everyone has their good and bad days, but I have bad weeks and months, not just a drop in mood, but a drop in my mental functioning and performance. The connections and thoughts, amazing ideas and intelligence, ease of flow that I can experience through my brain one week, is completely diminished the next, as is my sense of emotional well-being.

This type issue creates a puzzle, one that you mull on day after day. What is happening in me? Why doesn’t anybody understand? Why am I different?

My brain becomes frustrated, trying to achieve the emotions, thoughts and ease it had in the previous week, but now it can’t perform at it’s best. Unless I want to cause myself emotional turmoil, I just have to accept it. Me and my brain get left feeling frustrated, confused, and once again in search of an answer.

Even now, as I write this for you all, my brain is not at it’s best. I can feel a million words swirling in my head, with infinite possibilities, I have timeline’s of words that would be best to portray one message, and a timeline of words best to portray another, yet, it all becomes a jumble, coming out at random (which I have to be okay with), lest I pound the keyboard, give up, and wait for a day where I feel perfect again. Which hasn’t been around for a while.

I’ve been through many stages in my search for an answer so far in my life, mostly dictated by trying to be a bit more normal, “enjoy myself”, and let go of the pain I feel when I’m not performing at my best for myself, or for others. Yet, now, after another prolonged period of being in and out of bouts of depression that I can now easily handle due to meditation and other relaxation methods, I have decided to ignore all the voices in my head.

Stop spending money on your health, there is nothing wrong with you, toughen up, be strong, your mind is powerful and your health is a result of your mind, stop wasting your time there is no answer to find, you have tried everything, it sucks and it hurts to keep searching, over and over to learn that it wasn’t the answer.

Now it’s time to dedicate my mind and problem solving abilities to my body, I’ve tried it their way, I’ve tried to tell myself that my issues, fatigue, mood, and lack of motivation and inspiration are all in my head. I’ve tried to let it go, I’ve tried to be normal and focus on work, study, and relationships. Yet something deep inside of me calls, telling me that “I’m in here”, the voice used to scream at me, she was stronger then, I gave her more attention, now she is a tiny little voice. Over the years meditation has helped me let go of the fact something is “happening” to me. Feeling trapped inside a system with parts that aren’t working or connecting properly was so damaging to my sense of self. I have learned to cool, and to mellow, and to accept the fact that nothing  is happening to me, it’s just happening. But that’s no excuse to ignore my intuition, its no excuse to not embark upon a journey that may help many people even if I am just searching like they are.

I can still follow that voice and listen to myself while trusting and letting go of the pain associated with not having the right hardware to run my software.

The journey is to be continued …

 

francescax

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