Well it would be much of a blog if I didn’t tell you about my own experiences with levelling up my awareness, while working my way towards a more positive, productive, free and aligned lifestyle would it?
I can see you met your ego in the last blog post, that cheeky devil loves to tell you all the reasons why your life is shit, or why others have it so much better. While I admit, our ego is needed in a healthy dose, and we need to work towards appreciating it and befriending it to gain further clarity, I want to show you that most of the time, this side of us can get in the way of leading the life we were put here for. It can stop us through any means of distraction, craving, wanting, crying, suffering, bitching, and of course moaning.
But our ego was not meant to be so counter-productive, it was intended to help us, intended so we could play the game of life in separate form, and experience our self through others. However, something went terribly wrong somewhere.
Your ego can cause depression, yet it can also cause mania (a sense of feeling, special, god like and powerful). This is where I am going to start my story.
From a young age, I began to notice that I didn’t look at life the same way as others around me. At first this was fine, but as I repeatedly got my point of view shut down, and could find that no-one else saw life through my lens, I began to withdraw and feel shut down, alone, and isolated.
A voice in my head would tell me.
They don’t understand you.
You don’t need them.
Spend more time on your computer.
Write, draw, read, you are special, you are powerful.
By the time I was in high school, I began having sleepless nights, which turned into weeks. I experienced points of extreme lows, yet points of extreme highs to counter-balance it. Spirits would visit me in my dreams, the late hour of the night felt special, where I was visited by dark and paralysing energy. My mind provided me with endless visions, which I wrote out on paper for hours on end. Sometimes producing as many as 10,000 words per day.
Yes I did indeed seem special.
No-one else had these experiences!
No-one else had these visions, and certainly no-one else was creating as much as I was. I kept up with my school work while barely attending school and passed with flying colours. This was all the while I was staying up to 4 am in the morning, writing or consuming literature and video games voraciously.
I so desperately wanted everyone to see how special I was. To look past my fat 14 year old body, and accept my point of view, and see that I had so much wisdom to bestow on them.
But no-one saw, and my anger and depression grew, as did my desire to feel special, as did my desire to push everyone and everything away, and need only myself.
This mental pattern turned into many distortions over the years. It grew its own momentum and consumed my life-force energy. Leading me to try many new things that weren’t the best for me.
2008-2011 was mostly spent consuming a large amount of drugs to help me discover ‘how special I really was’ by exploring the deepest depths of my mind and understanding how far I could go energetically and physically.
I didn’t notice at the time, but my desire to create was being sucked right out of me. I barely even documented the amazing experiences I had on these different substances, I simply consumed more and more, till it felt like there was nothing left of me.
During this period I was diagnosed with Bipolar, as well as Dysthymia, and it quickly became apparent that the month where I felt as powerful as a Greek goddess was causing me to crash and feel like a helpless nobody in my bed for four months. I was prescribed all sorts of things to get me through the day, dexamphetamine, Valium, antidepressants, and the worst (seroquel), which turned me into some sort of zombie.
I couldn’t see what was happening to me. I was so lost that I didn’t even recognise the cycles. Instead, I continued to blame everyone else for how I felt, and withdrew further and further within. I so desperately wanted to find a purpose, and substances gave me that, but the purpose was only ever searching for more purpose.
Yet, here I am now.
I would say, I have come quite a long way, and although you don’t know me, I can say with complete confidence that I have turned my life around. I still grapple with the occasional mood, and low energy, yet I have followed a path that has brought me closer to who I always was within. To get there, I had to let go of a lot of the story that had built up in my mind, and stop letting my ego yank me around by the neck. This life turn-around took awareness, and it was slowly uncovered through a number of years of deep inquiry, and developing the strength within to take a long hard look at myself and my choices. In the end, nothing helped me more than my growing awareness and clarity of my choices in life.
So, how did I get here, you ask? What has been the benefit of levelling up my awareness through mindfulness practises?
I’ll make it clear for your right now
A calmer mind
Better job and pay
More clarity and sense of purpose
Clearing of emotional distortions and limiting beliefs (which is an ongoing process as you gain more awareness)
Free of insomnia
Healthier choices are easy
Diminished cravings for what isn’t best
And a complete shift in what I find ‘fun’ in life. One that tends to focus their energy on ‘Alcohol and partying is fun’ / among other things / has a totally different experience to someone who chooses to find fun in improving their life, health, relationships and the world. This simple shift automatically cuts bad decisions, and leads you to living your life with intent and responsibility.
All of this sounds great doesn’t it? But remember, it took me the better half of eight years to clear out most of the garbage that was holding me back, and it is forever an ongoing practise that fills me with joy as I learn more about myself.
But what I can do for you, is to show you a shortcut to really improving your own way. This shortcut came about from understanding what really holds us back, and it has to do with our programming, distorted beliefs and emotions.
Let’s help you uncover some of the main issues in your life, and help you to clear them through meditation, relaxation techniques, EFT, and The Work of Byron Katie.